Ken Dodd Burns Down

Physically hideous veteran comic, and sadist icon, Ken Dodd has burnt down.

Fire fighters battled in vein through the night to save the buck-toothed welk, in what turned out to be the worst celebrity fire that the British Isles has seen since Lorraine Kelly's tits accidentally burnt off during GMTV in 1998.

Investigators do not suspect foul play and believe that it was most likely caused by faulty wiring in a recently refurbished testes satchel.

Dodd, 89, was famous for his love of cannibalism and his hilarious impressions of murderer Peter Sutcliffe, but it was a controversial appearance on Parkinson in 1987, in which a crazed Dodd repeatedly stabbed a frail Rod Hull to death in a sustained and unprovoked attack, that he will be best remembered for. A crime he would later serve 3 years for in a gay prison. Dodd later described the experience in his autobiography as "Fucking great", "A good laugh" and "The best years of my life".

New Veils UnVeiled

A joint effort between the U.S. and British Government today saw the release of a new 'Assimilation Pack' for Muslims living and working in both Britain and America.

The pack, which is designed to help the devout Muslim woman blend seamlessly into a western society without compromising her religious duties to remain covered and second class at all times, is available below.

Simply download the image, print it out on your home printer, cut out the features using a pair of scissors and then glue them directly onto you veil in the relevant positions.

It is hoped that this will give any nearby unsuspecting infidel the impression that the veil wearer is in fact unveiled, helping both parties to relax and enjoy their day at the airport or journey on the tube.

More Amazing Football Facts!

Continued...

FACT #7: The footballer Pele does not actually suffer from erectile disfunction, as he says on the advert, as he has no penis (or genitals of any sort), just a smooth piece of skin, like an angel.

FACT #8: Rafael Benitez does not have a beard, it is iron filings!. He lost his skull in a car accident as a child and had it replaced with a magnetic skull during ground-breaking magnetic skull surgery.

FACT #9: Dirk Benedict - best known as 'face' from the A-team once has trials for Bangor City and Carisle United.

FACT #10: Communal after match baths were stopped in 1985 after Jan Molby became over excited and raped Ian Rush.

FACT #11: The maximum length of a pitch for international matches is limited to 110 yards to prevent games being played across more than one time zone. This ensures that any game is contested by both teams simultaneously for at least a full 45 minutes.

FACT #12: Pope John Paul II was actually a professional goalkeeper in Poland in his youth. That was until September 1st 1939 when Pope Benedict XVI and his army fellow Nazi's invaded the country and continued to leave a path of destruction across Europe. To this day referees always wear black in memory of those lost. Amen.

FACT #13: Sammy Lee was once forced to play in his underpants by Bob Paisley when he forgot his kit, hence the nickname Little Sam.

FACT #14: , There is no number 14 fact, the number 14 {fourteen} is considered unlucky by FIFA, hence 11 players in a football team, and not 14, 90 minutes and not 14. 30 mins in extra time, not 14.

you can see Amazing Football Facts 1-6 here