Gordon's Only Friend

Concerns are growing over the mental health of Gordon Brown after reports that he has developed an “imaginary friend” continue to surface.

Party insiders are said to be “in a panic” and “close to complete meltdown” as rumours that the Prime Minister is consulting “Mr Ploppy Pants” on important issues such as Education, the economy, the War on Terror, and the banning of women.

One source close to the P.M. has told us how “At any cabinet meeting, an extra seat would be placed next to Gordon at the table. This seat is reserved for Mr Ploppy Pants, and no one else is to sit there. Of course, anyone who challenged the veracity of Mr Ploppy Pants’ existence would receive the full force of Gordon’s temper, which often involved physical violence and sexual humiliation.”

Some reports claim Gordon Brown made 40 cabinet ministers sit in silence for two hours as Mr Ploppy Pants supposedly delivered them a speech on a possible cure for constipation.

Problems are said to have escalated the day Tony Blair left cabinet to pursue his career in the middle East as a sexy poll dancer, and to gloat over the dead babies he’d bombed, whilst leaving Brown to manage the party on his own.