TOP EGGS

Prince Will's to Wed!

2008-05-17T23:01:00.006+01:00

Buckingham Palace officials today announced that Prince William is to marry his long-term brother Harry.

The couple, who have been brothers since Harry's birth over 20 years ago, roused suspicion of an engagement earlier in the year when Harry was seen wearing a £500,000 diamond ring whilst performing a circumcision at his local mosque.

Their father, Princess Charles, says he is delighted for the pair and adds "They are keeping up a long tradition of interbreeding between Royal families. I'm very proud of them and look forward to hearing the pitter-patter of tiny feet soon!"

Both Wills and Harry are expected to spend their stag-night in Blackpool, lap-dancing.

Tesco's Celebrity Spunk Factory

2008-04-30T18:50:00.014+01:00

Controversy surrounds the Tesco's supermarket chain this week as it revealed plans to stock and sell Celebrity Semen to shoppers across the country.

Tesco Chief executive Terry Leaky believes it's a fantastic idea and that the new product will be "lapped up" by young girls eager to have celebrity hybrid children of their own.

"Girls these days don't want just any old common spunk. They want only the best A-list celebrity spunk, and why not!"

"Young girls feel closer than ever to their idols and we believe this is a fantastic way of helping them be part of that vacuous and pretentious lifestyle."

But not all celebrity donors are equal, and where a 25ml jar of Jude Law's yield will set you back £300, girls on lower incomes will most likely have to settle for a pint of Ralph Little or a litre of Chris Moyles, both of which will be priced at around 50p.

Over one hundred celebrities have signed up to get involved, and Robbie Williams has already agreed to do a one-off, promotional "Milking" session with the public.

To help launch Tesco's jizz-fest, this months issue of Girl Guide Magazine comes with a free turkey baster and a trial size sachet of Gareth Gates slop.

Donald Trumps

2008-03-20T01:55:00.005Z

Multi millionaire Donald Trump shocked TV audiences last night when he broke wind during a live interview with CNN's Ashraf Qazi.

Far from accidently 'letting one slip', when asked about his "amazing hairstyle", Trump dropped his pants to his ankles and farted directly into the mouth of a stunned Qazi, before storming out of the studio.

Producers tried in vein to entice Trump back into the studio with plates of chicken stock and freeze dried snails, to no avail.

Qazi later described the bowel emission as smelling something similar to an elephant with full blown AIDS and an elf wearing a leather jacket.

Judy Finnigan Wins Right to Die

2008-02-10T21:19:00.011Z

Gin soaked tea time television presenter, Judy Finnigan, has finally won her long standing High Court battle for her right to die.

Finnigan, who has suffered with chronic diarrhea and worms since the age of 29, believes the embarrassing condition has developed far beyond the point of acceptability and has campaigned tirelessly for the last 40 years to be able to end her misery in a humane way.

"What started off as an easily disguisable seepage and bearable discomfort has progressed to a more persistent leak, occasional squirt and intolerable itch."

"It's extremely embarrassing. I once shat all over Elton John during a live televised interview. David Furnished was fuming and threatened to stab me."

"It's ruined my sex life. Richard locks himself in the bathroom and scrubs his face for hours after we make love."

Finnigan has since been booked into the controversial, Blackpool based, euthanasia clinic.

U2 Bono Vision

2008-01-18T00:10:00.001Z

Self proclaimed Jesus of Dublin and all round irritating poverty slag, Bono, has appeared in a vision to a group of nuns at a holy shrine in Peru.

The group of five nuns claim the vision appeared to them as they preyed at The Rock of Mamboona, the place where God was invented, and asked them to make poverty history, before wiping his shitty arse on a £50 note and vanishing into thin air.

Police later found and arrested a vision matching Bono's description, selling stolen aftershave and razor blades, in a nearby bar.

A statement from Bono's management has since been released: "Bono would like to make it clear to the public that his visions are franchised, and as such, he (Bono) can bare no responsibility for their actions."

This comes a year after a mirage of Sting was cleared of felling trees without a permit and twelve accounts of Tantric Buggery.

Pol Pot's and Bus Stops

2008-01-18T00:03:00.000Z

A West Midlands bus company has been forced to suspend all services to and from Dunstable, after an unprecedented amount of complaints from the public over it's controversial policy of employing deposed, and in some cases deceased, dictators.

Earlier in the week passengers on the number 72 were said to be "shocked" and "Sickened" when they found Ugandan Butcher, Idi Amin, inspecting tickets. Matters were made worse by the driver, believed to be Pol Pot, who continuously used foul and abusive language towards some of the elderly travelers.

Things finally came to a head on Thursday evening when Pope John Paul II was discovered, on the top deck, weeping uncontrollably onto the shoulder of Adolf Hilter. Some unconfirmed reports claim Hilter was without his trousers.

Top Ten Bizarre Search Words

2008-01-02T18:09:00.000Z

Some of the keywords and phrases that people surfing the net have actually searched for on Google, and as a result been directed here to Top Eggs!

Make of them what you will...

#10. "Disappointment of egg" (I have no idea what this even means, but it made me laugh)
#9. "Gary Linaker Jewish"
#8. "What are the rare omelettes?"
#7. "Is Ken Dodd Gay?" (with a face like that I don't think it really matters)
#6. "Lorraine Kellys tits" (Ironically on page 3 of Google results)
#5. "Arsehole Open" (Proudly ranking on page 2 of Google!)
#4. "Eggs in the Arsehole" (Surely someone researching chickens?)
#3. "Arsehole" (Concise and straight to the point)
#2. "Massive Testicles"
#1. "Massive Minge" (Apparently Google image results just has a big photo of Ainsley Harriott)

Ken Dodd Burns Down

2007-12-07T01:35:00.000Z

Physically hideous veteran comic, and sadist icon, Ken Dodd has burnt down.

Fire fighters battled in vein through the night to save the buck-toothed welk, in what turned out to be the worst celebrity fire that the British Isles has seen since Lorraine Kelly's tits accidentally burnt off during GMTV in 1998.

Investigators do not suspect foul play and believe that it was most likely caused by faulty wiring in a recently refurbished testes satchel.

Dodd, 89, was famous for his love of cannibalism and his hilarious impressions of murderer Peter Sutcliffe, but it was a controversial appearance on Parkinson in 1987, in which a crazed Dodd repeatedly stabbed a frail Rod Hull to death in a sustained and unprovoked attack, that he will be best remembered for. A crime he would later serve 3 years for in a gay prison. Dodd later described the experience in his autobiography as "Fucking great", "A good laugh" and "The best years of my life".

New Veils UnVeiled

2007-12-06T17:19:00.000Z

A joint effort between the U.S. and British Government today saw the release of a new 'Assimilation Pack' for Muslims living and working in both Britain and America.

The pack, which is designed to help the devout Muslim woman blend seamlessly into a western society without compromising her religious duties to remain covered and second class at all times, is available below.

Simply download the image, print it out on your home printer, cut out the features using a pair of scissors and then glue them directly onto you veil in the relevant positions.

It is hoped that this will give any nearby unsuspecting infidel the impression that the veil wearer is in fact unveiled, helping both parties to relax and enjoy their day at the airport or journey on the tube.

More Amazing Football Facts!

2007-12-06T16:53:00.000Z

Continued...

FACT #7: The footballer Pele does not actually suffer from erectile disfunction, as he says on the advert, as he has no penis (or genitals of any sort), just a smooth piece of skin, like an angel.

FACT #8: Rafael Benitez does not have a beard, it is iron filings!. He lost his skull in a car accident as a child and had it replaced with a magnetic skull during ground-breaking magnetic skull surgery.

FACT #9: Dirk Benedict - best known as 'face' from the A-team once has trials for Bangor City and Carisle United.

FACT #10: Communal after match baths were stopped in 1985 after Jan Molby became over excited and raped Ian Rush.

FACT #11: The maximum length of a pitch for international matches is limited to 110 yards to prevent games being played across more than one time zone. This ensures that any game is contested by both teams simultaneously for at least a full 45 minutes.

FACT #12: Pope John Paul II was actually a professional goalkeeper in Poland in his youth. That was until September 1st 1939 when Pope Benedict XVI and his army fellow Nazi's invaded the country and continued to leave a path of destruction across Europe. To this day referees always wear black in memory of those lost. Amen.

FACT #13: Sammy Lee was once forced to play in his underpants by Bob Paisley when he forgot his kit, hence the nickname Little Sam.

FACT #14: , There is no number 14 fact, the number 14 {fourteen} is considered unlucky by FIFA, hence 11 players in a football team, and not 14, 90 minutes and not 14. 30 mins in extra time, not 14.

you can see Amazing Football Facts 1-6 here

Fossilized Nazi

2007-11-04T06:51:00.000Z

The fossilized remains of a 50,000 year old Nazi have been discovered in the Mexican desert. Scientists believe it to be one of the earliest examples of its kind found, which dates back as far as Neanderthal man.

The find, which can be clearly seen saluting and wearing full Nazi uniform, marks a significant historical break-through, and will be raffled off this weekend to help raise funds for St. Edmund's Hospice in Surrey.

Queen to Open Arsehole to Public

2007-10-27T23:03:00.000+01:00

The Queen is to re-open her Arsehole to the public for the first time in over 60 years. It was last opened to the public in 1944 to celebrate the end of the second world war, in which it famously received a direct hit from a German bomber!

Some of the worlds most valuable treasures will be on display inside, many of which suffered extensive smoke damage during a fire in the late 80's.

Due to the threat of possible terrorist attacks, stringent security measures will be in place, including sniffer-dogs, metal detectors and a policeman with a gun.

Entrance will cost £5 and refreshments will be available.

AMAZING Football FACTS!!!

2007-09-13T22:36:00.000+01:00

Impress your mates down the pub with these AMAZING football facts!!!

FACT #1: After the second world war footballs in the UK were rationed, so for 13 years football was actually played with an imaginary ball!

FACT #2: From November all players in the Premiership will have their names printed in braille as well as English on their shirts in an attempt by the FA to help blind supporters.

FACT #3: The World Cup is actually made out of yellow wind!

FACT #4: The little known 1932 World Cup Tournament was actually canceled after somebody stole the ball!

FACT #5: In the future all football will be played in space with a Hoverball.

FACT #6: The 1981 FA Cup final was refereed by a fetus.

FACT ATTACK!!!

Countdown Homophobic Racists?

2007-09-11T06:33:00.000+01:00

Countdown are at it again. Just a couple of months ago they gave us the classic 'MINGES' episode (which can be seen a couple of posts down). Now it appears producers are tackling homosexual rights and race relations in one swoop by inviting a contestant onto the show called Gay Black. Unlike her name sake, she is a elderly middle class white woman, more likely to be seen at the W.I. that at a Gay Pride March or Black Panther rally.

Richard Madeley Ransacked

2007-09-09T00:10:00.000+01:00

Mildly Autistic television presenter Richard Madeley, 60, has had his chin stolen during a break-in at his Surrey mansion

The flappy haired bell-end was reported to have been fast asleep when intruders ransacked his entire lower jaw, taking his chin, and leaving many of his molars in a state of disrepair.

It is the second time in a year that Madeley has been the victim of such a crime. A similar incident in July saw his groin heavily vandalized and daubed with profanities. A man was later arrested and released without charge.

Police now want to speak to anybody who may have been in Surrey or the surrounding counties to come forward so that they can be eliminated from enquiries.

Gordon Burns Rare Egg Omelettes

2007-07-31T07:23:00.000+01:00

Former Krypton Factor presenter and sex addict Gordon Burns was this week sentenced to 40 years in a state of the art underwater prison, after it was emerged he was selling illegal omelettes, made from extremely rare lizard eggs, to children at a local primary school. The eggs, which Burns had stolen himself from Oxbury Reptile Enclosure, are thought to be from the the endangered Gwappo Lizard, and if eaten can cause extremely sore balls and in some cases AIDS.

Burns, 72, will not appeal against the judgment.

Countdown Minges

2007-05-12T03:31:00.000+01:00

I couldn't believe what i was seeing when i watched this. It's the best rude word Countdown has ever had. Definately bettter than the classic WANKERS

Gary Lineker Reunited With Lost Sibling

2007-03-29T11:57:00.000+01:00

Gary Lineker has said he is "overjoyed" after being reunited with his long lost sister Michaela Strachan. "I've dreamt of this moment since I was 50. There are no words to express how much this means to me, except for the words alot and very much".

Gary (72) first lost contact with his sister at the age of three when they were both sold into the slave trade by their mother Geoff.

Michaela was later forced into an arranged marrage with pop mogal Pete Waterman, whilst Gary became a succesful Jewish comedian.

Sir Ann Widdecombe Lays Egg

2007-03-24T19:53:00.000Z

Troll-like Conservative MP for Maidstone and Alaska, Sir Ann Widdecombe, caused uproar in the House of Commons this afternoon when she gave birth to a large, sweaty egg.

The incident took place during Priministers Questions and left many MP's feeling distraught. David Cameron could clearly be seen weeping like a child, while Tony Blair had to be "cleaned-up" by his mother after physically shitting himself with fear.

Sir Ann (72), who is famed for her massive testicles, was unapologetic about her offensive egg shat. "I don't know what all the fuss is about. I simply hitched up my skirt, squatted and eased that greasy lump out. It seemed the perfectly natural thing to do".

MP Margaret Beckett was not so understanding. "Unfortunatley I was sitting close by, as a result I had an explicitly clear view of the incident. The smell was gut-wrentching, I will never forget that smell, never".

The egg has since been held by police for questioning.

Serial Ant Killer Claims 9th Victim

2007-03-16T21:41:00.000Z

The body of a elderly ant has been found dead in a quiet suburb of Manchester, police confirmed today. The body was discovered by a man out walking his dog in the early hours of the morning. This brings the death toll upto nine in the last two weeks. Police are now connecting all nine deaths and admit they may well be dealing with a serial killer.

The ant is beleived to have suffered horrific head and body injuries probably caused by a large shoe or foot, much like the ones found on the previous eight victims.

The ant, known locally as Jim was 72, he is said to have been "a cheerful character who wouldn't harm a fly"

A neighbour of the deceased ant, who wished to remain anominous, told us this "I knew Jim quite well. I used to leave a sugary picnic out in my back garden for him every morning. He would be in his element squirming about amongst the sweaty Opal Fruits. I'm going to miss the little f*cker".

Own Desert Orchid Knackers

2007-03-09T16:03:00.000Z

Legendary race horse Desert Orchid is to be made in to a commemorative Super Glue gift pack to celebrate the first year anniversary of his death.

The pack will include a 25ml tube of super adhesive glue made from the majestic beast himself. manufacturers believe fans will be clammering up to own a small piece of racing history.

Race goers and animal lovers across Britain were left devastated last year when the 7 times Grand National winner was gunned down in a cold blooded drive-by-shooting, which police believed to be gang related.

Eamonn Holmes Explodes

2007-03-09T15:30:00.000Z

Roly poly paddy presenter Eamonn Holmes has exploded.

The unexpected burst took place live on air during a midweek edition of the National Lottery. Eamonn had long been suffering from minor tremours and had openly admitted in an interview earlier this week that "frequent small eruptions had started to become a worry".

Eamonn, who was famous for his hairy arse and his catchphrase of "I'm going to f*ck you up!" would have been 72 this Thursday.

David Beckham Stage Debut

2007-02-28T06:23:00.000Z

Squeaky voiced soccer superstar David Beckham is to make his West End debut this summer starring in the infamous Vagina Monologues.

David will join a long list of celebrity women who have appeared on the show and revealed an intimate, and often harrowing, dipiction of their own vagina. David will simply read aloud from his autobiography, or talk about life with his wife Victoria.

Children to be "Tooled up"

2007-02-09T20:34:00.000Z

Primary school children across Briton are to be issued with knives as part of a new government initiative to help combat playground bullying.

Under new measures, children as young as six could be 'Tooled Up' and 'ready' to defend themselves against would be bullies. Government officials believe arming pupils would readdress the balance of power between victim and perpetrator.

Teacher Anne Quobble had this to say:
"I think it's a great idea. Obviously we wouldn't want to stick a machete in the hands of a stroppy 8 year old, that would be silly. I would like to see them start off with maybe a flick knife and then progress to something like a mechete."

Rebecca Wumps, aged 9 and a pupil at St. Angelinas Primary School, told us this:
"I can't wait to get issued with my first knife. Up until now I've had no choice but to make my own shivs out of stolen spoons from the canteen. Daisy Emmitt from 7G has been spreading lies about me so I'm going to stab her up first."

Ainsley Harriott Boxing Fright

2007-02-05T02:47:00.000Z

Goggle eyed celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott got the shock of his life this week when a simple filing error at his agents office resulted in a unexpected twelve round bout with Columbian heavyweight boxer Sancho 'The Fist' Ganzales!

The mistake happened when 15 year old work experience girl Tessa Phipps accidentally mixed up Ainsley Harriotts file with that of British Olympic boxer Audley Harrison. Harroitt, who was due to appear on a Weakest Link Celebrity Chef Special, instead found himself in a punishing and deeply violent fight with the Columbian hardman Ganzales. The fight was stopped in the fifth round when Horriott somehow managed to lose a testicle.

Meanwhile a red faced Audley Harrison was left blushing when he got all of his questions wrong and failed to bank losing the team a possible £2500.