Prince Will's to Wed!

Buckingham Palace officials today announced that Prince William is to marry his long-term brother Harry.

The couple, who have been brothers since Harry's birth over 20 years ago, roused suspicion of an engagement earlier in the year when Harry was seen wearing a £500,000 diamond ring whilst performing a circumcision at his local mosque.

Their father, Princess Charles, says he is delighted for the pair and adds "They are keeping up a long tradition of interbreeding between Royal families. I'm very proud of them and look forward to hearing the pitter-patter of tiny feet soon!"

Both Wills and Harry are expected to spend their stag-night in Blackpool, lap-dancing.

U2 Bono Vision

Self proclaimed Jesus of Dublin and all round irritating poverty slag, Bono, has appeared in a vision to a group of nuns at a holy shrine in Peru.

The group of five nuns claim the vision appeared to them as they preyed at The Rock of Mamboona, the place where God was invented, and asked them to make poverty history, before wiping his shitty arse on a £50 note and vanishing into thin air.

Police later found and arrested a vision matching Bono's description, selling stolen aftershave and razor blades, in a nearby bar.

A statement from Bono's management has since been released: "Bono would like to make it clear to the public that his visions are franchised, and as such, he (Bono) can bare no responsibility for their actions."

This comes a year after a mirage of Sting was cleared of felling trees without a permit and twelve accounts of Tantric Buggery.

Ken Dodd Burns Down

Physically hideous veteran comic, and sadist icon, Ken Dodd has burnt down.

Fire fighters battled in vein through the night to save the buck-toothed welk, in what turned out to be the worst celebrity fire that the British Isles has seen since Lorraine Kelly's tits accidentally burnt off during GMTV in 1998.

Investigators do not suspect foul play and believe that it was most likely caused by faulty wiring in a recently refurbished testes satchel.

Dodd, 89, was famous for his love of cannibalism and his hilarious impressions of murderer Peter Sutcliffe, but it was a controversial appearance on Parkinson in 1987, in which a crazed Dodd repeatedly stabbed a frail Rod Hull to death in a sustained and unprovoked attack, that he will be best remembered for. A crime he would later serve 3 years for in a gay prison. Dodd later described the experience in his autobiography as "Fucking great", "A good laugh" and "The best years of my life".

New Veils UnVeiled

A joint effort between the U.S. and British Government today saw the release of a new 'Assimilation Pack' for Muslims living and working in both Britain and America.

The pack, which is designed to help the devout Muslim woman blend seamlessly into a western society without compromising her religious duties to remain covered and second class at all times, is available below.

Simply download the image, print it out on your home printer, cut out the features using a pair of scissors and then glue them directly onto you veil in the relevant positions.

It is hoped that this will give any nearby unsuspecting infidel the impression that the veil wearer is in fact unveiled, helping both parties to relax and enjoy their day at the airport or journey on the tube.

Gordon Burns Rare Egg Omelettes

Former Krypton Factor presenter and sex addict Gordon Burns was this week sentenced to 40 years in a state of the art underwater prison, after it was emerged he was selling illegal omelettes, made from extremely rare lizard eggs, to children at a local primary school. The eggs, which Burns had stolen himself from Oxbury Reptile Enclosure, are thought to be from the the endangered Gwappo Lizard, and if eaten can cause extremely sore balls and in some cases AIDS.

Burns, 72, will not appeal against the judgment.

Own Desert Orchid Knackers

Legendary race horse Desert Orchid is to be made in to a commemorative Super Glue gift pack to celebrate the first year anniversary of his death.

The pack will include a 25ml tube of super adhesive glue made from the majestic beast himself. manufacturers believe fans will be clammering up to own a small piece of racing history.

Race goers and animal lovers across Britain were left devastated last year when the 7 times Grand National winner was gunned down in a cold blooded drive-by-shooting, which police believed to be gang related.