Prince Will's to Wed!

Buckingham Palace officials today announced that Prince William is to marry his long-term brother Harry.

The couple, who have been brothers since Harry's birth over 20 years ago, roused suspicion of an engagement earlier in the year when Harry was seen wearing a £500,000 diamond ring whilst performing a circumcision at his local mosque.

Their father, Princess Charles, says he is delighted for the pair and adds "They are keeping up a long tradition of interbreeding between Royal families. I'm very proud of them and look forward to hearing the pitter-patter of tiny feet soon!"

Both Wills and Harry are expected to spend their stag-night in Blackpool, lap-dancing.

U2 Bono Vision

Self proclaimed Jesus of Dublin and all round irritating poverty slag, Bono, has appeared in a vision to a group of nuns at a holy shrine in Peru.

The group of five nuns claim the vision appeared to them as they preyed at The Rock of Mamboona, the place where God was invented, and asked them to make poverty history, before wiping his shitty arse on a £50 note and vanishing into thin air.

Police later found and arrested a vision matching Bono's description, selling stolen aftershave and razor blades, in a nearby bar.

A statement from Bono's management has since been released: "Bono would like to make it clear to the public that his visions are franchised, and as such, he (Bono) can bare no responsibility for their actions."

This comes a year after a mirage of Sting was cleared of felling trees without a permit and twelve accounts of Tantric Buggery.

New Veils UnVeiled

A joint effort between the U.S. and British Government today saw the release of a new 'Assimilation Pack' for Muslims living and working in both Britain and America.

The pack, which is designed to help the devout Muslim woman blend seamlessly into a western society without compromising her religious duties to remain covered and second class at all times, is available below.

Simply download the image, print it out on your home printer, cut out the features using a pair of scissors and then glue them directly onto you veil in the relevant positions.

It is hoped that this will give any nearby unsuspecting infidel the impression that the veil wearer is in fact unveiled, helping both parties to relax and enjoy their day at the airport or journey on the tube.

Fossilized Nazi

The fossilized remains of a 50,000 year old Nazi have been discovered in the Mexican desert. Scientists believe it to be one of the earliest examples of its kind found, which dates back as far as Neanderthal man.

The find, which can be clearly seen saluting and wearing full Nazi uniform, marks a significant historical break-through, and will be raffled off this weekend to help raise funds for St. Edmund's Hospice in Surrey.

Gary Lineker Reunited With Lost Sibling

Gary Lineker has said he is "overjoyed" after being reunited with his long lost sister Michaela Strachan. "I've dreamt of this moment since I was 50. There are no words to express how much this means to me, except for the words alot and very much".

Gary (72) first lost contact with his sister at the age of three when they were both sold into the slave trade by their mother Geoff.

Michaela was later forced into an arranged marrage with pop mogal Pete Waterman, whilst Gary became a succesful Jewish comedian.