Tesco's Celebrity Spunk Factory

Controversy surrounds the Tesco's supermarket chain this week as it revealed plans to stock and sell Celebrity Semen to shoppers across the country.

Tesco Chief executive Terry Leaky believes it's a fantastic idea and that the new product will be "lapped up" by young girls eager to have celebrity hybrid children of their own.

"Girls these days don't want just any old common spunk. They want only the best A-list celebrity spunk, and why not!"

"Young girls feel closer than ever to their idols and we believe this is a fantastic way of helping them be part of that vacuous and pretentious lifestyle."

But not all celebrity donors are equal, and where a 25ml jar of Jude Law's yield will set you back £300, girls on lower incomes will most likely have to settle for a pint of Ralph Little or a litre of Chris Moyles, both of which will be priced at around 50p.

Over one hundred celebrities have signed up to get involved, and Robbie Williams has already agreed to do a one-off, promotional "Milking" session with the public.

To help launch Tesco's jizz-fest, this months issue of Girl Guide Magazine comes with a free turkey baster and a trial size sachet of Gareth Gates slop.

Donald Trumps

Multi millionaire Donald Trump shocked TV audiences last night when he broke wind during a live interview with CNN's Ashraf Qazi.

Far from accidently 'letting one slip', when asked about his "amazing hairstyle", Trump dropped his pants to his ankles and farted directly into the mouth of a stunned Qazi, before storming out of the studio.

Producers tried in vein to entice Trump back into the studio with plates of chicken stock and freeze dried snails, to no avail.

Qazi later described the bowel emission as smelling something similar to an elephant with full blown AIDS and an elf wearing a leather jacket.

Pol Pot's and Bus Stops

A West Midlands bus company has been forced to suspend all services to and from Dunstable, after an unprecedented amount of complaints from the public over it's controversial policy of employing deposed, and in some cases deceased, dictators.

Earlier in the week passengers on the number 72 were said to be "shocked" and "Sickened" when they found Ugandan Butcher, Idi Amin, inspecting tickets. Matters were made worse by the driver, believed to be Pol Pot, who continuously used foul and abusive language towards some of the elderly travelers.

Things finally came to a head on Thursday evening when Pope John Paul II was discovered, on the top deck, weeping uncontrollably onto the shoulder of Adolf Hilter. Some unconfirmed reports claim Hilter was without his trousers.

Top Ten Bizarre Search Words

Some of the keywords and phrases that people surfing the net have actually searched for on Google, and as a result been directed here to Top Eggs!

Make of them what you will...

#10. "Disappointment of egg" (I have no idea what this even means, but it made me laugh)
#9. "Gary Linaker Jewish"
#8. "What are the rare omelettes?"
#7. "Is Ken Dodd Gay?" (with a face like that I don't think it really matters)
#6. "Lorraine Kellys tits" (Ironically on page 3 of Google results)
#5. "Arsehole Open" (Proudly ranking on page 2 of Google!)
#4. "Eggs in the Arsehole" (Surely someone researching chickens?)
#3. "Arsehole" (Concise and straight to the point)
#2. "Massive Testicles"
#1. "Massive Minge" (Apparently Google image results just has a big photo of Ainsley Harriott)

New Veils UnVeiled

A joint effort between the U.S. and British Government today saw the release of a new 'Assimilation Pack' for Muslims living and working in both Britain and America.

The pack, which is designed to help the devout Muslim woman blend seamlessly into a western society without compromising her religious duties to remain covered and second class at all times, is available below.

Simply download the image, print it out on your home printer, cut out the features using a pair of scissors and then glue them directly onto you veil in the relevant positions.

It is hoped that this will give any nearby unsuspecting infidel the impression that the veil wearer is in fact unveiled, helping both parties to relax and enjoy their day at the airport or journey on the tube.

More Amazing Football Facts!

Continued...

FACT #7: The footballer Pele does not actually suffer from erectile disfunction, as he says on the advert, as he has no penis (or genitals of any sort), just a smooth piece of skin, like an angel.

FACT #8: Rafael Benitez does not have a beard, it is iron filings!. He lost his skull in a car accident as a child and had it replaced with a magnetic skull during ground-breaking magnetic skull surgery.

FACT #9: Dirk Benedict - best known as 'face' from the A-team once has trials for Bangor City and Carisle United.

FACT #10: Communal after match baths were stopped in 1985 after Jan Molby became over excited and raped Ian Rush.

FACT #11: The maximum length of a pitch for international matches is limited to 110 yards to prevent games being played across more than one time zone. This ensures that any game is contested by both teams simultaneously for at least a full 45 minutes.

FACT #12: Pope John Paul II was actually a professional goalkeeper in Poland in his youth. That was until September 1st 1939 when Pope Benedict XVI and his army fellow Nazi's invaded the country and continued to leave a path of destruction across Europe. To this day referees always wear black in memory of those lost. Amen.

FACT #13: Sammy Lee was once forced to play in his underpants by Bob Paisley when he forgot his kit, hence the nickname Little Sam.

FACT #14: , There is no number 14 fact, the number 14 {fourteen} is considered unlucky by FIFA, hence 11 players in a football team, and not 14, 90 minutes and not 14. 30 mins in extra time, not 14.

you can see Amazing Football Facts 1-6 here

Countdown Homophobic Racists?

Countdown are at it again. Just a couple of months ago they gave us the classic 'MINGES' episode (which can be seen a couple of posts down). Now it appears producers are tackling homosexual rights and race relations in one swoop by inviting a contestant onto the show called Gay Black. Unlike her name sake, she is a elderly middle class white woman, more likely to be seen at the W.I. that at a Gay Pride March or Black Panther rally.

Countdown Minges

I couldn't believe what i was seeing when i watched this. It's the best rude word Countdown has ever had. Definately bettter than the classic WANKERS

Own Desert Orchid Knackers

Legendary race horse Desert Orchid is to be made in to a commemorative Super Glue gift pack to celebrate the first year anniversary of his death.

The pack will include a 25ml tube of super adhesive glue made from the majestic beast himself. manufacturers believe fans will be clammering up to own a small piece of racing history.

Race goers and animal lovers across Britain were left devastated last year when the 7 times Grand National winner was gunned down in a cold blooded drive-by-shooting, which police believed to be gang related.

Children to be "Tooled up"

Primary school children across Briton are to be issued with knives as part of a new government initiative to help combat playground bullying.

Under new measures, children as young as six could be 'Tooled Up' and 'ready' to defend themselves against would be bullies. Government officials believe arming pupils would readdress the balance of power between victim and perpetrator.

Teacher Anne Quobble had this to say:
"I think it's a great idea. Obviously we wouldn't want to stick a machete in the hands of a stroppy 8 year old, that would be silly. I would like to see them start off with maybe a flick knife and then progress to something like a mechete."

Rebecca Wumps, aged 9 and a pupil at St. Angelinas Primary School, told us this:
"I can't wait to get issued with my first knife. Up until now I've had no choice but to make my own shivs out of stolen spoons from the canteen. Daisy Emmitt from 7G has been spreading lies about me so I'm going to stab her up first."

Ant Safari Disappointment

So, I paid a visit to my local Safari Park last weekend, a place I visited often as a child and have very fond memories of.

On arriving, you can imagine my disapointment to discover that due to "financial difficulties" the park had sold every single one of the 236 exotic animals contained in the zoo to a 40 year old gay bin man called Jesseppi (Italian Descent), and replaced them with no more than a solitary ant.

This ant is left to roam the 300 acres of land in search of prey, whilst visitors from around the country come in hope of seeing the ant in his natural habitat. All from the safety of their car.

After overcomming my inital shock, I decided I would continue with my tour of the Safari Park, dispite the fact that this allussive ant had only ever been seen once since it's arrival 4 years ago, and that was by the zoo keepers on the day they released him into the park.

I spent the next 7 hours driving around, looking for the tiny insect. I had almost given up all hope of ever seeing him, when I spotted it! He was about 830 centimetres away from my car, feeding on the carcass of a dead gazelle that the keepers had left out for him the night before. I can honestly say that it was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. His shiney little body glimmered in the sun, and I could swear, at one point we seemed to make direct eye contact, and, for a moment, I felt I was in the presence of God.