Judy Finnigan Wins Right to Die

Gin soaked tea time television presenter, Judy Finnigan, has finally won her long standing High Court battle for her right to die.

Finnigan, who has suffered with chronic diarrhea and worms since the age of 29, believes the embarrassing condition has developed far beyond the point of acceptability and has campaigned tirelessly for the last 40 years to be able to end her misery in a humane way.

"What started off as an easily disguisable seepage and bearable discomfort has progressed to a more persistent leak, occasional squirt and intolerable itch."

"It's extremely embarrassing. I once shat all over Elton John during a live televised interview. David Furnished was fuming and threatened to stab me."

"It's ruined my sex life. Richard locks himself in the bathroom and scrubs his face for hours after we make love."

Finnigan has since been booked into the controversial, Blackpool based, euthanasia clinic.

U2 Bono Vision

Self proclaimed Jesus of Dublin and all round irritating poverty slag, Bono, has appeared in a vision to a group of nuns at a holy shrine in Peru.

The group of five nuns claim the vision appeared to them as they preyed at The Rock of Mamboona, the place where God was invented, and asked them to make poverty history, before wiping his shitty arse on a £50 note and vanishing into thin air.

Police later found and arrested a vision matching Bono's description, selling stolen aftershave and razor blades, in a nearby bar.

A statement from Bono's management has since been released: "Bono would like to make it clear to the public that his visions are franchised, and as such, he (Bono) can bare no responsibility for their actions."

This comes a year after a mirage of Sting was cleared of felling trees without a permit and twelve accounts of Tantric Buggery.

Pol Pot's and Bus Stops

A West Midlands bus company has been forced to suspend all services to and from Dunstable, after an unprecedented amount of complaints from the public over it's controversial policy of employing deposed, and in some cases deceased, dictators.

Earlier in the week passengers on the number 72 were said to be "shocked" and "Sickened" when they found Ugandan Butcher, Idi Amin, inspecting tickets. Matters were made worse by the driver, believed to be Pol Pot, who continuously used foul and abusive language towards some of the elderly travelers.

Things finally came to a head on Thursday evening when Pope John Paul II was discovered, on the top deck, weeping uncontrollably onto the shoulder of Adolf Hilter. Some unconfirmed reports claim Hilter was without his trousers.

Sir Ann Widdecombe Lays Egg

Troll-like Conservative MP for Maidstone and Alaska, Sir Ann Widdecombe, caused uproar in the House of Commons this afternoon when she gave birth to a large, sweaty egg.

The incident took place during Priministers Questions and left many MP's feeling distraught. David Cameron could clearly be seen weeping like a child, while Tony Blair had to be "cleaned-up" by his mother after physically shitting himself with fear.

Sir Ann (72), who is famed for her massive testicles, was unapologetic about her offensive egg shat. "I don't know what all the fuss is about. I simply hitched up my skirt, squatted and eased that greasy lump out. It seemed the perfectly natural thing to do".

MP Margaret Beckett was not so understanding. "Unfortunatley I was sitting close by, as a result I had an explicitly clear view of the incident. The smell was gut-wrentching, I will never forget that smell, never".

The egg has since been held by police for questioning.

Serial Ant Killer Claims 9th Victim

The body of a elderly ant has been found dead in a quiet suburb of Manchester, police confirmed today. The body was discovered by a man out walking his dog in the early hours of the morning. This brings the death toll upto nine in the last two weeks. Police are now connecting all nine deaths and admit they may well be dealing with a serial killer.

The ant is beleived to have suffered horrific head and body injuries probably caused by a large shoe or foot, much like the ones found on the previous eight victims.

The ant, known locally as Jim was 72, he is said to have been "a cheerful character who wouldn't harm a fly"

A neighbour of the deceased ant, who wished to remain anominous, told us this "I knew Jim quite well. I used to leave a sugary picnic out in my back garden for him every morning. He would be in his element squirming about amongst the sweaty Opal Fruits. I'm going to miss the little f*cker".