Tesco's Celebrity Spunk Factory

Controversy surrounds the Tesco's supermarket chain this week as it revealed plans to stock and sell Celebrity Semen to shoppers across the country.

Tesco Chief executive Terry Leaky believes it's a fantastic idea and that the new product will be "lapped up" by young girls eager to have celebrity hybrid children of their own.

"Girls these days don't want just any old common spunk. They want only the best A-list celebrity spunk, and why not!"

"Young girls feel closer than ever to their idols and we believe this is a fantastic way of helping them be part of that vacuous and pretentious lifestyle."

But not all celebrity donors are equal, and where a 25ml jar of Jude Law's yield will set you back £300, girls on lower incomes will most likely have to settle for a pint of Ralph Little or a litre of Chris Moyles, both of which will be priced at around 50p.

Over one hundred celebrities have signed up to get involved, and Robbie Williams has already agreed to do a one-off, promotional "Milking" session with the public.

To help launch Tesco's jizz-fest, this months issue of Girl Guide Magazine comes with a free turkey baster and a trial size sachet of Gareth Gates slop.

Donald Trumps

Multi millionaire Donald Trump shocked TV audiences last night when he broke wind during a live interview with CNN's Ashraf Qazi.

Far from accidently 'letting one slip', when asked about his "amazing hairstyle", Trump dropped his pants to his ankles and farted directly into the mouth of a stunned Qazi, before storming out of the studio.

Producers tried in vein to entice Trump back into the studio with plates of chicken stock and freeze dried snails, to no avail.

Qazi later described the bowel emission as smelling something similar to an elephant with full blown AIDS and an elf wearing a leather jacket.

Judy Finnigan Wins Right to Die

Gin soaked tea time television presenter, Judy Finnigan, has finally won her long standing High Court battle for her right to die.

Finnigan, who has suffered with chronic diarrhea and worms since the age of 29, believes the embarrassing condition has developed far beyond the point of acceptability and has campaigned tirelessly for the last 40 years to be able to end her misery in a humane way.

"What started off as an easily disguisable seepage and bearable discomfort has progressed to a more persistent leak, occasional squirt and intolerable itch."

"It's extremely embarrassing. I once shat all over Elton John during a live televised interview. David Furnished was fuming and threatened to stab me."

"It's ruined my sex life. Richard locks himself in the bathroom and scrubs his face for hours after we make love."

Finnigan has since been booked into the controversial, Blackpool based, euthanasia clinic.

U2 Bono Vision

Self proclaimed Jesus of Dublin and all round irritating poverty slag, Bono, has appeared in a vision to a group of nuns at a holy shrine in Peru.

The group of five nuns claim the vision appeared to them as they preyed at The Rock of Mamboona, the place where God was invented, and asked them to make poverty history, before wiping his shitty arse on a £50 note and vanishing into thin air.

Police later found and arrested a vision matching Bono's description, selling stolen aftershave and razor blades, in a nearby bar.

A statement from Bono's management has since been released: "Bono would like to make it clear to the public that his visions are franchised, and as such, he (Bono) can bare no responsibility for their actions."

This comes a year after a mirage of Sting was cleared of felling trees without a permit and twelve accounts of Tantric Buggery.