Tesco's Celebrity Spunk Factory

Controversy surrounds the Tesco's supermarket chain this week as it revealed plans to stock and sell Celebrity Semen to shoppers across the country.

Tesco Chief executive Terry Leaky believes it's a fantastic idea and that the new product will be "lapped up" by young girls eager to have celebrity hybrid children of their own.

"Girls these days don't want just any old common spunk. They want only the best A-list celebrity spunk, and why not!"

"Young girls feel closer than ever to their idols and we believe this is a fantastic way of helping them be part of that vacuous and pretentious lifestyle."

But not all celebrity donors are equal, and where a 25ml jar of Jude Law's yield will set you back £300, girls on lower incomes will most likely have to settle for a pint of Ralph Little or a litre of Chris Moyles, both of which will be priced at around 50p.

Over one hundred celebrities have signed up to get involved, and Robbie Williams has already agreed to do a one-off, promotional "Milking" session with the public.

To help launch Tesco's jizz-fest, this months issue of Girl Guide Magazine comes with a free turkey baster and a trial size sachet of Gareth Gates slop.

New Veils UnVeiled

A joint effort between the U.S. and British Government today saw the release of a new 'Assimilation Pack' for Muslims living and working in both Britain and America.

The pack, which is designed to help the devout Muslim woman blend seamlessly into a western society without compromising her religious duties to remain covered and second class at all times, is available below.

Simply download the image, print it out on your home printer, cut out the features using a pair of scissors and then glue them directly onto you veil in the relevant positions.

It is hoped that this will give any nearby unsuspecting infidel the impression that the veil wearer is in fact unveiled, helping both parties to relax and enjoy their day at the airport or journey on the tube.

Children to be "Tooled up"

Primary school children across Briton are to be issued with knives as part of a new government initiative to help combat playground bullying.

Under new measures, children as young as six could be 'Tooled Up' and 'ready' to defend themselves against would be bullies. Government officials believe arming pupils would readdress the balance of power between victim and perpetrator.

Teacher Anne Quobble had this to say:
"I think it's a great idea. Obviously we wouldn't want to stick a machete in the hands of a stroppy 8 year old, that would be silly. I would like to see them start off with maybe a flick knife and then progress to something like a mechete."

Rebecca Wumps, aged 9 and a pupil at St. Angelinas Primary School, told us this:
"I can't wait to get issued with my first knife. Up until now I've had no choice but to make my own shivs out of stolen spoons from the canteen. Daisy Emmitt from 7G has been spreading lies about me so I'm going to stab her up first."