Judy Finnigan Wins Right to Die

Gin soaked tea time television presenter, Judy Finnigan, has finally won her long standing High Court battle for her right to die.

Finnigan, who has suffered with chronic diarrhea and worms since the age of 29, believes the embarrassing condition has developed far beyond the point of acceptability and has campaigned tirelessly for the last 40 years to be able to end her misery in a humane way.

"What started off as an easily disguisable seepage and bearable discomfort has progressed to a more persistent leak, occasional squirt and intolerable itch."

"It's extremely embarrassing. I once shat all over Elton John during a live televised interview. David Furnished was fuming and threatened to stab me."

"It's ruined my sex life. Richard locks himself in the bathroom and scrubs his face for hours after we make love."

Finnigan has since been booked into the controversial, Blackpool based, euthanasia clinic.

Richard Madeley Ransacked

Mildly Autistic television presenter Richard Madeley, 60, has had his chin stolen during a break-in at his Surrey mansion

The flappy haired bell-end was reported to have been fast asleep when intruders ransacked his entire lower jaw, taking his chin, and leaving many of his molars in a state of disrepair.

It is the second time in a year that Madeley has been the victim of such a crime. A similar incident in July saw his groin heavily vandalized and daubed with profanities. A man was later arrested and released without charge.

Police now want to speak to anybody who may have been in Surrey or the surrounding counties to come forward so that they can be eliminated from enquiries.